Oxygen tank

I laugh at myself, as I see me devouring so many books.

Last night and this morning, I was reading Gail Sheehy’s 498 page New Passages – Mapping Your Life Across Time. I am still reading, haven’t finished it, am not just dipping into it as I do with many American books, but really reading the parts that I can connect with.

Yesterday when I was entered a shopping mall parking garage, a sign greeted me with “30 Days to Christmas”. Today, I will put up a sign on the door of my den at home, saying “89 Days to Turning Fifty.” Actually, I am already turning fifty. I have been tuned to that frequency for quite a while now. I recognize the importance of this major milestone, and of the many things it signals. Change, for sure. Some things are no longer like they were. Mortality is knocking at the back door. Other things are getting better though. Great adventures lie ahead. I will keep writing about these.

From reading many pages of Sheehy’s book, I conclude that I am very normal. What I feel, and the way I am developing, is what many men feel at this passage of life. That’s actually reassuring. Especially since men don’t talk much with each other about the changes they go through at this stage of life.

I learned a few things. First, by living in the moment, I can loose sight of the longer transitions in my life. Good to climb in that helicopter every once in a while to get the bigger view. Second, what I didn’t realize is that the “slowdown” in men my age can result in a negative spiral. A cocktail of lower confidence, slower metabolism, slacker muscles, and less libido can lead to depression, to “losing it” altogether. Mental and physiological factors can combine to produce a nasty result.

Aerobic exercise is not a favorite pastime of mine. And I was content to find out from Peter D’Adamo’s book Eat Right 4 Your Type that people with my blood type A tend to get exhausted by aerobic exercise without gaining the benefit from it that other blood types do, especially type O. I felt vindicated about my preference for armchair explorations of the world. I naturally take more to gentle forms of exercise like golf, tai chi, swimming, and smiling.

My wake up call came from reading that I need more exercise to restore muscle mass. Of course that is exactly what my French doctor has been telling me for years. “Now that you have gained control of your body weight – I bravely lost 15 kg in six months a few years ago – make it your next victory to create an exercise habit,” he said. I know very well how physiology, mental health and general well-being are connected.
I realized this morning that I need my personal oxygen tank to traverse the passage into what Sheehy calls the Flaming Fifties. Exercise is one of the keys to unlock the door.

I restarted this morning.

Photographs: Sheehy’s book cover and my new door sign

Love writing

8 November

I love writing. I spent time wondering why I write. Is it because I honor my commitment to write? Because I think I have to? Because I want to produce something that others will read? Practice for writing a book? Or because I want to learn more about life, and about writing?

I found that I write because I love life. I want to experience this love of life fully. I yearn to meet eternity in each moment, to feel utterly connected without effort. I want to share this love with others without walls and conditions. I reach out to let my soul make love with the universe. When I write, I feel doors opening, and I experience feeling that love in my heart and through every pore of my body.

Photograph: Standing on art, Mulia Senayan Hotel, Jakarta

Flowing river

Today I started reading Paulo Coelho’s Like the Flowing River. His first story touched me. It is about three different times in his life, alike to three distinct movements in a symphony. He calls them “a lot of people”, “a few people”, and “almost no one”. I assume he replays these movements over and over again, like we do when we enjoy a particular piece of music. Last night my daughter played Beyoncé’s Crazy in Love, and I asked her to play it again two more times.

About Coelho, I start to relate to his movements, because I am realizing that writing is a solitary activity. I can’t always do it alone, though, and I regularly write in my favorite Starbucks. I also connected to Coelho’s reflections in his second story, where he described how he doubted if he should weed his garden or not. I liked that he reached a conclusion and could move forward. I have so many reflections in my life these past few years, and I look around a lot for guidance on how to take the next steps on my journey. The solution lies within me, I found out, but other people and their written words and songs help to connect me with the wisdom that lies inside me.

What I realized in the past days is that I have much going for me, but that my life flow gets blocked easily. The river of my life stagnates easily these days, doesn’t flow well. I wonder why this happens, and how I can unblock myself. Will I use dynamite to blast through rapids of unhealthy habits or blow up dams of self-doubt? Should I dredge my river bed of sediment and sludge from the past? Coelho finishes the story with a commitment to “attack the weeds I did not invite to grow in my garden.” And he concludes that “when something undesirable grows in my soul, I ask God to give me the same courage to mercilessly pluck it out.”

I am writing again.


Photograph: Coelho's book cover

Rebirth

I am back!
Rebirth
Totally new
No yesterday
This is the moment
A new start
Is it possible?
I am, so… yes!

I took a two-month break
I wrote my journal
While life events and pressures
Took their toll
Now I reclaim my place
Rebirth is a choice

My writing practice continues…


Photograph: Sprouting a new leaf, my verandah